This post is all over the damn place… so here we go…
It’s hard to avoid your reflection. It’s even harder to realize that the reflection you see is not what you thought it would be. I never considered myself FAT… let me tell you why… I always considered myself plus-sized, thick… I come from a line of women that have big boobs, large frames, squared off shoulders… so when I was a double D bra size in 10th grade, it was normal for my family…. In my mind I was always just large… a big difference from being all out FAT. When I think of FAT, I think of the jiggly stuff on a ribeye steak, those folks you see on T.L.C. that can’t get out of bed or function… extreme obesity. It wasn’t until I started seeing the look of JUST love in the eyes of Mr. Aries that I realized I was fat. Have you ever seen the ‘just love’ look? It’s the look you get when you go to hug a man, that used to desire you and now finds you pretty, but not sexy. It’s the ‘I love you so much, more than any other woman I have ever loved, but I’m not attracted to you’ look.
Let’s marinate on that a moment, while I go on with more thoughts.
I had a conversation with Curvy Jones about being shallow. Is there a fine line that we walk when we say we don’t want a fat man? We don’t want a thin man? If you are vocal about the body type of the person you want to be with and find attractive, are you shallow? Am I shallow because I think I’m all that and a bag of chips or is that just vanity? Don’t we all have preferences? Isn’t there something that you want that’s a ‘must have’ rather than a ‘kinda sorta would consider if’? We women are emotional… most of us when asked what we would prefer in a man, we start talking about personality traits… sense of humor, wit, intelligence, empathy. Ask a man? He wants long hair, big lips, big boobs, small waist.
I consider myself attractive. But I also know that my health is starting to weaken over the extra weight I’m carrying. It’s been 5 or so years since I went to the doctor the first time to complain about migraine headaches. My doctor, whom I’ve gone to for 12 years, told me to lose weight, start watching what I eat, eliminate dairy products, go toward more veggies and lean meats. But that’s hard! How does a professional that works 10 hours a day, in a corporate office that loves to cater in lunch for extra-large-portion-eating-men, eat more veggies and lean meat and not eat cheese? WTF. So in my own mind I figured we (read that as I) would just band-aid the problem. After all, cheese can’t be that bad, right? A little fat and some headaches and I got to eat what I wanted all the time? FINE! Right then, began my journey to find the right thing for me, diet wise. This should be simple, everyone knows you shouldn’t eat high fat cheeseburgers and fitty eleven fries with it and wash all that down with a milkshake. Everyone knows you have to exercise sometimes. But what if you really REALLY don’t want to? What do you do then? (that’s rhetorical, by the way)… so let me answer that for you… you make excuses. I have made every fuckin excuse in the book as to why I won’t exercise or eat in a way that can get me lean and sexy… don’t have time…boobs so big no sports bra would hold me…hate the gym…everyone is so thin there and I’m huffing and puffing after walking 1 minute on the treadmill…forgot to go to the grocery store…it’s cheaper to eat out…I have a headache… I have cramps…forgot my gym clothes…lunch was free, even if it was pizza…so what if I have a little (uh, it aint a little) extra weight, I’m cute, I can carry it just fine…. And on and on and on and on.
Now I’m out of excuses… or I’m tired of them, either one. I’ve gotten to the point where I know being overweight is not cute. This is not about BBW love or hating on the big girls. This is about what is comfortable to me, what I can feel good about.
First, I have to take control of my eating. No, I don’t forget to eat (how the hell do folks do that shit?)…but I know I don’t eat well (get in enough veggies, eat square meals, eat more protein). I know I can do it because thus far I’ve lost a pants size (now a size 18 and an XL shirt).
Next is taking control of exercise. I have a gym membership that I pay for to a great gym… and haven’t used it but a handful of times in the last 12 months. I really REALLY don’t like going after work because that’s when the place is the busiest. So I have to decide if I can get over that or go in the morning before work. These 2 things (eating and exercise) sound so simple on paper and yet the anxiety in my head about the pair is complicated.
Getting back to what I said about Mr. Aries… we had a long talk/discussion/fight about the kind of woman I am and the physical woman that he prefers. The facts about me being intelligent, witty, caring, kind and respectful don’t go unappreciated. But the fact that I have a big hanging stomach, fat rolls, start sweating going up one flight of steps and won’t wear shorts or dresses *IS* unappreciated. And honestly, I can’t say I blame him. Those that know Mr. Aries know he is not thin… he is a big, tall, football linebacker, Neanderthal kind of a guy. He wears a 3X shirt and can eat plates of food. And he wants me to be sexy… not only for his own preference, but for confidence in myself. There is a difference is how I am now and how I used to be when I was younger and smaller. I want that back. This is not something I want to do for him, I won't do it for him, this is for ME. This is all about me and my own journey to be happy with my figure, happy to shop for clothes, happy to wear shorts, happy to be outside and social.
I want that back.