Saturday, February 27, 2010

Are you afraid?

What stops you from doing what you need to do?
This is post is all over the place, so be prepared before you read it!
I’ve been really selfish lately. I have a lot of things that go on within my scary head during my hellish 2 weeks that I work out by really keeping to myself. I have never been a chatter, a talker, someone who has to tell their issues and business to someone else. I’m the quiet one, the one you come to for an unbiased opinion. Nothing really phases me, so it appears, on the outside. But on the inside, there is a war. Not the kind you see on but the kind where there is a good vs. evil type thing. I consider myself a pretty much straight forward kinda woman. If there is something up, I’m going to tell you to your face, not hint around about it, not send someone else a text. I've read so many blogs lately where there seems to be some hidden meaning or some ‘secret society’ of weenie asses. What is keeping you from moving forward to do what you need to do? Are you afraid you will hurt someone’s feelings? Are you afraid of yourself – that taking this step might mean you have to continue on the path to NOT being a weenie? Are you afraid the thing you do will backfire? Do you want to live your life afraid of how others will see you ALL the time?
I also had a struggle to get over myself. For those of you who read this and don’t know what this means, the best way to describe it is I had to realize it’s not all about me all the time. Oh well. It was as if a voice in my head was telling me to get over it. Really. There is nothing I can do about it/them/that, they are not crying over me, so what the hell am *I* doing? Get over yourself, Green. And that’s what I did.
I never wanted to become the high maintenance friend. The kind of friend that always had something negative to say and never had a smile or a kind word or made you roll your eyes when you saw their name on the caller ID or heard that creepy ringtone you assigned them in your cellie. I was always the one who had friends grow away from me, not the other way around. And yet, because of my actions nowadays with trying to better my life, trying to keep myself away from others when I am feeling negative, trying to stop repeating the same actions that got me further from my goals, rather than closer, I seem to be growing away from my comfort zone. I could take the weenie way out and be afraid and scared and not continue. Or I can keep going and going and going ala ener.gizer.bun.ny. until it all comes together.
And that’s what I’m gonna do. When it all comes together, I am gonna burst with pride AND I’ll have another 30 or so haters to shake off.

Yes, Ms.Green will be killing these hoes softly.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Aiight, Curvy Jones.... here are the 7.

Seven little known things about your girl, GreenEyes:

1) I have an addiction to H.G.T.V. I watch it every night. Doesn't matter what show, if it's on H.G.T.V. I'm going to watch it.

2) I set my alarm every weeknight, but since I'm an insomniac, I'm always up to turn it off before it goes off in the morning.

3) I have nothing on the walls of my house because Mr. Aries and I disagree on Art. I like abstract, he likes human interest, so our compromise is nothing. *cracks up*

4) I bartended my way through college.

5) I eat the same breakfast 6 days a week: scrambled eggs with spinach and onion and a piece of toast.

6) I have a blanket I cannot sleep without. Yes, it's my Linus blanket. I even take it with me on trips.

7) I listen to talk radio in the morning on the way to work, but hate it on my drive home. For the drive home, it's LOUD.RAP.ONLY.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

It's the weekend eve...

And I'm rambling:

Holiday weeks (yes, our company was off on President's.Day) always seem long as hell to me. It's like the hours between noon and 4 take 8 hours to actually pass. I swear I looked at the clock at 1:58 because I had a meeting at 2 and 4 hours later it was only 2:30. WTH?
I'm really about tired of this rollercoaster weather we are having. One day its 32 degrees, today it was 72. Do I need winter clothes or summer clothes? Do I need my boots or do I need to bust out some flip.flops?
Why the hell do people take their lunch in the bathroom at work? Like you go to warm up your lean.cuisine. your or your lunch from home, take it out of the microwave and then on the way back to your desk you remember you had to pee? So you take your food in the work bathroom? That grosses me the hell out.
I think I'm going to bed early tonight. Wonder if that means I'm getting old?

Monday, February 15, 2010

The stigma of mental illness.

PMDD. I never thought it would happen to me.

I live with a man who is very ANTI-drug, anti-psychiatry, anti-'tell your problems to someone else and expect a prescription to make it all better'. I used to be that way. I had a rough childhood that very few people know about. As a child, hearing the same negative phrases repeated to you over and over about becoming nothing in life, you begin to believe it. So as an adult, I had alot... ALOT... and in case you didn't get that... ALOT of issues to work through. I believe I have indeed worked through them, but it wasn't easy. I still have to catch myself every now and then. Nearly 6 years ago, around the time I turned 30, something started happening to me. Every few weeks I would get irritated over little things. Then I would start crying for no reason, then get raging mad, then suddenly feel like I was in a deep dark pit of sadness that would just overwhelm me. It was like a bad dream that would last for days at a time. I would keep my office door closed all day, never answer the phone, I would email only because the thought of actually talking to someone disgusted me. I would wear all black to work, go straight home from the office, take a shower and get in bed. Yes. It was THAT bad. This would last up until my *monthly visitor* showed up and the day after that I would be fine. Smiling, laughing, chatting, things were fine. It was freaky. I really hate to use the 'Jekyll & Hyde' cliche' but it was exactly like that.

So I mentioned this to my doctor during a visit about a sinus issue. She said it sounded like I had a classic case of 'hormonal imbalance'... and gave me a little something to take everyday. And the only way I can describe how that 'little something' made me feel everyday? NUTS. I thought I was losing my damn mind. So back to the doctor I went again. And again. And again. Then got referred to a specialist, then a shrink, then I started doing my own research online and keeping a journal of what days felt like hell and what days didn't. And I found a doctor. A real doctor who listened to me, talked to me about other patients who had my same symptoms, and started a treatment plan to make sure that I stayed level the entire month.

I struggle with using the phrase 'treatment for mental illness' for myself because if I had a quarter for everytime I heard 'you just need to exercise!' or 'if you take some blue treetrunk oil caplets and 3 jingleberries (or insert whatever supplement here) each day, you'll be fine!' or 'oh, its JUST pms, women in the olden days ran entire households, washed the car, mowed the lawn, changed the oil in their cars AND managed to breast feed back then! You don't have ANY of that stress, so you should be able to handle it!' I'd be one filthy rich Green.Eyed.Bitch. But I know none of that is true for me. I know that 2 weeks out of the month if I don't do as my doctor tells me to, I am a Jekyll.and.Hyde. PMDD = PMS on steroids. And yet, compared to someone that has bi.polar.dis.order or anxiety so severe they can't leave their house, PMDD seems relatively easy, simple, not so serious. Compared to those with chemical imbalances in their brains, PMDD seems like 'mental illness light' instead of heavy. The stigma that society envelopes around mental illness really saddens me. And moreso, the fact that I used to be one of those people - putting all crazy people in one group, a group that couldn't solve their own problems and were just wimps and couldn't buck up to handle business. I guess it takes something happening to you or someone close to you to change your mind.
Seeking help is not a bad thing. Getting help is not a bad thing. Taking meds your doctor recommends to help you through a difficult time or to help you back to happiness is damn sure not a bad thing.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

To Valentine or not to Valentine?

When I was kid, I remember my mother having hormone issues. She would actually spend a couple of days in bed, in pain, sleeping and yelling at us for no reason.

My goal as an adult was to make sure I didn't become my mother. I have never have the family that inspired sappy greeting cards. My mother and grandmother and great grandmother had hormone issues that they called just PMS. About 5 years ago, I found myself with something I also thought was PMS.... except it was PMS on steroids. Enter PMDD. For 2 weeks out of the month, I'm so irritated, depressed, angry and very VERY indifferent to whatever situation presents itself. All that translates to being a complete and total BITCH... all the way around.
My code to my friends used to be 'IT HAS BEGUN' and that was the signal that meant get ready for hormonal GreenEyes.
SO... all that to say Valentine's Day rolled around this year smack dab in the middle of this 2 week hell. I knew I was in trouble when I walked into the Grocery Store and it was all PINK and RED... balloons, flowers, candy, stuffed animals. I almost hurled.
Yes, friends, it made me nauseated to even see the commercialism that has become Valentine's day.
I have about 4 more days of hormone hell and then its back to my regularly scheduled programming. Say a prayer, since Lent is in 2 days and my goal is to give up soda and *gulp* alcohol.

Friday, February 12, 2010

WTF Friday....

This is going to be a new tradition on the pages of Green Eyes.

Because I'm an admitted news junkie, the first thing I do when I get home (this is after I sit my stuff down, take off this damn bra and kick off my shoes) is turn on the news. I have Associated.Press and Time.Magazine updates on my Black.berry. I have an active CNN ticker on my taskbar at work. Yes, I'm a news junkie. Proud to admit it.

SO, I get home yesterday, turn on the news and the top story is some 'sky.eye' breaking news story about how some male (I won't even call him a man, since his actions are not of a true man) is on the run..... after he gets pulled over for a routine traffic stop, he gives the officer the wrong name. As the officer leaves to go back to his vehicle to run the name through the system, the MALE jumps out of his truck and takes off running. Officer chases, losing the male.
Sounds 'news worthy' enough, right? Nothing that would warrant more than a minute on the news, right? Well..... homie left his 4 year old daughter IN THE TRUCK alone. AND had an open can of beer in the cupholder.
WTF? Your foul ass just leaves your 4 year old daughter in the truck because you feel like running from the cops? You are transporting your 4 year old daughter and downing some beer at the same time?
His foul ass is still on the run. He needs his ass straight up beat when he gets caught.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cosmetics from the drugstore that I love... alot.

I've always had an open mind when it comes to cosmetics. I've tried my fair share of pricey department store brand items and while some of them REALLY wowed me, others were a total waste of money.
Now, I can say that my custom blend powder from Presciptives was some of the best money I've ever spent. Being that my skin is on the lighter side and no orange in my skintone, it was hard to find a foundation/powder/concealer in the right shade. So one day I was walking through Macy's and got snagged by a lady who told me I had pretty eyes and she would love to do eyemakeup on me. I was in a decent mood that day, so I decided why not...
Well, my eyes looked great and $118 dollars later, I had custom blend powder and haven't looked back since. I also have really REALLY oily skin and have to take care to put the right products on that can last during the day without melting off.
A million years ago, I heard that you should spend your high $$$ on your foundation, powder and concealer and your color (eyeshadow, liner, blush, mascara, lipstick) should be what you can play around with.
So here are my drugstore finds that I find myself not wanting to ever be without:
Revlon Colorstay Liquid Liner in Black - I wear this stuff every single day and it does NOT budge until I take it off.
L'oreal Voluminous Waterproof Volume Building Mascara - my goto mascara that I keep in my makeup case. Volume without flaking or clumping.
Covergirl LashBlast and LashBlast Length Mascara - I layer these 2 when I want to have glam movie star-like lashes. I always get compliments.
Bert's Bees Lip Balm - throw this on at night before bed and it gives you the softest lips and helps your lipstick gone on smooth
Covergirl Outlast All Day Color - I have so many colors in this, but my favorites are Ever-Redy (when I'm feeling daring) and Adobe Sand
Revlon Colorstay 12 hour Eyeshadow - coffebean is the quad that I think makes my green eyes pop. (the pigments are really good, but I also use an eyeshadow that is NOT drugstore, Urban Decay, which I also love love LOVE)

It never fails when I walk into Wal.greens, I always end up buying some new cosmetic or something to try. My favorites have come from alot of trial and error.
Try some of my recommendations. I think you'll be pleased!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ask a question and get an honest answer?

I ask Mr. Aries questions because the behavior of men puzzle me sometimes. And sometimes he gives the answer that makes me say 'Hmmmm' and other times he gives me an answer that I want to debate. Sometimes I get the answer that prompts my 'WTF' response.
Today was one of those days. I asked him: why do you think some women are successful in relationships with men and others aren't?
His answer: because women don't know how to move on from average.
Uh... okay. What? Excuse me? What does that mean? The moment something calms down and the honeymoon phase is over, you are supposed to move on?
Him: you know thats not what I mean. When you are in a relationship with someone and instead of them being respectful, they are simply out for self, its time to move on. Some women value the title of girlfriend/woman/wife more than they value themselves.


Me: oh.

I guess when you ask a question, you should be prepared for the answer. I was unprepared for THAT answer. You know, because on Snap.ped. its always the man's fault! That's what drives the woman to Snap! (not really, but you understand what I mean)
So he keeps talking: There is also an issue with leading.
Me: Leading?
Him: yes, Leading. Men want to be the 'LEADER' the 'Man' in the relationship, not necessarily having the woman submit to them, but having her let the natural sense of the man/woman relationship take it course, with the man as the protector.
Me: *pause* *reflect*

Hmmm. I wonder how other women feel about that answer?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Style,.. part 1.

Citation issued for orange lipstick with black lipliner... and it wasn't Halloween or a M.A.C. print ad.

Citation issued for green and gold weave ala Super.Bowl. colors Lousiana style.... and you weren't IN Lousiana.

Citation issued for size E breasts in a C bra... and you weren't in a Lil.Wayne. ho ass video.

Citation issued for open-toed Easter egg yellow sandals and its 46 degrees outside and raining AND you standing at the bus stop waiting on the Metro.

Citation issued for that little finger wave shit you do with your baby hair.... and you're 38 years old.

Citation issued for that fake ass wannabe 29 carat gold pinky ring with the ala trying to be like Opr.ah eternity band.

And last, but certainly not least:

Citation issued for Phen-dee bag you thought was gonna fool folks into thinking you paid high dollar for that, when honestly, that thread coming from the seams and leather that's turning your shoulder black gave it away that not only do you have a fake.. you got a cheap ass fake.

*pause to reflect*

Sunday, February 7, 2010

As the blog goes by, so do the days of our lives..

Never get tired of that.
Today is foot.ball.sunday. THE Sunday.
Worm week has just started. (a little background on worm week: I have PMDD.... it lasts for 2 weeks, 14 start days where I'm mad, irritated, down right angry, bitchy, horny, depressed... my friend has a saying ' one wants to be my friend, everyone wants me to eat worms!' and thus, worm week (or should I say worm WEEKS)... was born)
I've tried to set aside the fact that the man I shack up with invited folks over here for the game... and told me on Wednesday. I also set aside the fact he invited MORE people and just told me yesterday. They also have KIDS, which will be here with nothing to do but watch TV. Imma set that aside too.
In the calm of the morning, sitting on my sofa, watching the news, I have alot to do... but I'm not stressed about it. YET.
I issues a style citation to a woman wearing black lip liner with ORANGE lipstick yesterday. Excuse, WTF was she thinking??? That shit is not cute.
Pour some 40 our for my steamflat iron. Damn thing will cut on... and not get hot. WTF again.
A replacement is on the horizon.
My office has become the out.break.monkey. Everyone is sick and I'm doing my best to NOT be sick AND hormonal at the same time. That shit is not cute.


Monday, February 1, 2010

I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish...

I wish I had writing skills.
I'm not talking about the ability to put a sentence together; hell, I do that everyday. I wish I could think of a story and plot and be witty and everyone break down to stomp necks to read my blog.
Not so much.
I wish some feminists would STFU. Yes I know, that's not PC. But dammit, I get it. You don't need a man, you are ALL WOMAN and shit. Yes, I get it. But honestly, aint nuthing wrong with having a mate. It does not make you weaker. You are weak if you are weak period, no one MAKES you that way unless you let them.
I wish diets were easy. My bad, 'lifestyle changes'. My lifestyle change is kicking my ass, especially with all the advertisements about the upcoming game this weekend. Pizza here, wing there, 'let us cater your party!'. I'm losing my footing. It's not cute.
I wish I wasn't so anal about money. Being the only income in a relationship has its pitfalls. Being the anal one who counts every cent in a one income relationship? It rollercoasters constantly.
I wish I hadn't taken it personally when I told someone I fractured my toe and they laughed at me. It hurt my feelings and I want to be the person who doesn't take shit like that personally.
I wish I had new pillows on my bed. I love my bed, but dammit, my neck hurts. I'm tired of going to a place to get new pillows and they feel great in the store, then suck when you sleep on them for a week. HUMBUG.
I wish I were more loveydovey about love and I'm not. I'm not feeling it this year. I can't remember if I felt it last year. Is every retail establishment decorated red or pink with floaty hearts? HUMBUG again.
I wish I had the answer to what you do when you feel like you've outgrown a good friend. What happens when you have nothing good to say about them except they are a child of the God? What happens when you realize the path you are on when you met them is not the path you are on now and they have yet to grow? HUMBUG numero 3.