Friday, September 3, 2010

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a wild ride the last couple of months.
Studying for the CPA, passing the first 2 parts of said exam, moving to a new crib, fighting with Mr. Aries, thinking my sister is crazy, missing my nephews, working my ass off as SuperAccountant and top all that off with PMDD!

Damn, where to even begin..... gotta marinate on that.
Oh and I got an i.Phone. so perhaps there is an app for that!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Nothing to see over here.

I'm here, but I'm not all here.
PMDD, Mr. Aries, moving, work.... it's been so much more than I thought I could handle.

That's all I have to say about that.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Quickies and random thoughts...

- The new marketing bandwagon of using talking animals, animals driving cars, animals rapping... I hate it. Really.

- Not sure WTF I was thinking when I made this class schedule for an inventory management certification and a prep class for the CPA at the same time. Free time? What is that?

- I'm moving in 2 weeks and I have not packed a single thing. Not cute.

- little Mr. Aries is here for the summer. My ear is being talked off. He has an opinion about every single freakin thing that exists on the planet. I appreciate that, really. But might not want to hear about it for 9 hours straight. Take a nap. Take a break. Go to bed early. /step parent of the year

- I need to drink more water. I've been really thirsty lately. I need a facial. I need a massage. I need something other than rum & coke for lunch.

- The new i.Phone. has been looking at me. I keeping telling it to go away, but it wants to lurk around me. Go away! I'm sticking with my berry, so *sign of the cross*


Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's time...

This post is all over the damn place… so here we go…

It’s hard to avoid your reflection. It’s even harder to realize that the reflection you see is not what you thought it would be. I never considered myself FAT… let me tell you why… I always considered myself plus-sized, thick… I come from a line of women that have big boobs, large frames, squared off shoulders… so when I was a double D bra size in 10th grade, it was normal for my family…. In my mind I was always just large… a big difference from being all out FAT. When I think of FAT, I think of the jiggly stuff on a ribeye steak, those folks you see on T.L.C. that can’t get out of bed or function… extreme obesity. It wasn’t until I started seeing the look of JUST love in the eyes of Mr. Aries that I realized I was fat. Have you ever seen the ‘just love’ look? It’s the look you get when you go to hug a man, that used to desire you and now finds you pretty, but not sexy. It’s the ‘I love you so much, more than any other woman I have ever loved, but I’m not attracted to you’ look.

Let’s marinate on that a moment, while I go on with more thoughts.

I had a conversation with Curvy Jones about being shallow. Is there a fine line that we walk when we say we don’t want a fat man? We don’t want a thin man? If you are vocal about the body type of the person you want to be with and find attractive, are you shallow? Am I shallow because I think I’m all that and a bag of chips or is that just vanity? Don’t we all have preferences? Isn’t there something that you want that’s a ‘must have’ rather than a ‘kinda sorta would consider if’? We women are emotional… most of us when asked what we would prefer in a man, we start talking about personality traits… sense of humor, wit, intelligence, empathy. Ask a man? He wants long hair, big lips, big boobs, small waist.
I consider myself attractive. But I also know that my health is starting to weaken over the extra weight I’m carrying. It’s been 5 or so years since I went to the doctor the first time to complain about migraine headaches. My doctor, whom I’ve gone to for 12 years, told me to lose weight, start watching what I eat, eliminate dairy products, go toward more veggies and lean meats. But that’s hard! How does a professional that works 10 hours a day, in a corporate office that loves to cater in lunch for extra-large-portion-eating-men, eat more veggies and lean meat and not eat cheese? WTF. So in my own mind I figured we (read that as I) would just band-aid the problem. After all, cheese can’t be that bad, right? A little fat and some headaches and I got to eat what I wanted all the time? FINE! Right then, began my journey to find the right thing for me, diet wise. This should be simple, everyone knows you shouldn’t eat high fat cheeseburgers and fitty eleven fries with it and wash all that down with a milkshake. Everyone knows you have to exercise sometimes. But what if you really REALLY don’t want to? What do you do then? (that’s rhetorical, by the way)… so let me answer that for you… you make excuses. I have made every fuckin excuse in the book as to why I won’t exercise or eat in a way that can get me lean and sexy… don’t have time…boobs so big no sports bra would hold me…hate the gym…everyone is so thin there and I’m huffing and puffing after walking 1 minute on the treadmill…forgot to go to the grocery store…it’s cheaper to eat out…I have a headache… I have cramps…forgot my gym clothes…lunch was free, even if it was pizza…so what if I have a little (uh, it aint a little) extra weight, I’m cute, I can carry it just fine…. And on and on and on and on.
Now I’m out of excuses… or I’m tired of them, either one. I’ve gotten to the point where I know being overweight is not cute. This is not about BBW love or hating on the big girls. This is about what is comfortable to me, what I can feel good about.
First, I have to take control of my eating. No, I don’t forget to eat (how the hell do folks do that shit?)…but I know I don’t eat well (get in enough veggies, eat square meals, eat more protein). I know I can do it because thus far I’ve lost a pants size (now a size 18 and an XL shirt).
Next is taking control of exercise. I have a gym membership that I pay for to a great gym… and haven’t used it but a handful of times in the last 12 months. I really REALLY don’t like going after work because that’s when the place is the busiest. So I have to decide if I can get over that or go in the morning before work. These 2 things (eating and exercise) sound so simple on paper and yet the anxiety in my head about the pair is complicated.

Getting back to what I said about Mr. Aries… we had a long talk/discussion/fight about the kind of woman I am and the physical woman that he prefers. The facts about me being intelligent, witty, caring, kind and respectful don’t go unappreciated. But the fact that I have a big hanging stomach, fat rolls, start sweating going up one flight of steps and won’t wear shorts or dresses *IS* unappreciated. And honestly, I can’t say I blame him. Those that know Mr. Aries know he is not thin… he is a big, tall, football linebacker, Neanderthal kind of a guy. He wears a 3X shirt and can eat plates of food. And he wants me to be sexy… not only for his own preference, but for confidence in myself. There is a difference is how I am now and how I used to be when I was younger and smaller. I want that back. This is not something I want to do for him, I won't do it for him, this is for ME. This is all about me and my own journey to be happy with my figure, happy to shop for clothes, happy to wear shorts, happy to be outside and social.

I want that back.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Another 7 days before I go back to work...

Now. I'm going to be straight up honest and say I cannot relate to women who want to spend every waking moment with their men. I have been home approximately 7 days and I swear Mr. Aries has me about to catch a damn charge! His bedside manner is... uh... not there. But if I need him to kill a bug, he is totally down for that. Need him to get the oil changed? He's your guy. Need him to rub on your back and peel you a grape and ask how you're feeling and if your tummy needs rubbing? Find another man. Want to talk about your feelings? Aw hell to the naw. He is what he is and I've accepted him for that. I also know I'm not the easiest woman to live with. I have my moments, hormonal and know it all (and yes, dammit, I *do* know it all) that clash with him. And I've found myself wondering if LOVE is enough to overcome any disagreement, any challenge, any rollercoaster ride.
I was so angry at him yesterday for making a seemingly easy task all about him... some male pride bullshit that made absolutely no sense to me... and it still doesn't. What I had to realize is that the way I feel about my nephews, how I love them to my very core, is not how HE feels about my nephews. He wasn't there when they were born. He hasn't been there for the first day of school or the birthday parties or the school field trips that I've been around for.
What I expected of him was to feel what I feel/felt, have his heart heavy for my babies... not to make it about him and what he thinks SOTD (that's spawn of the devil aka my nephew's father) needs to do/not do.


I do not understand men. I thought I did. It always boiled down to 'men are simple, if you aren't naked, fix them a sandwich and pass them the remote control'... and life would be great.
But they aren't really that simple. They are complicated because we make them complicated. We put our emotion into how we think they should act/be and end up with a whole mess of complicated. We expect them to react a certain way because WE would react a certain way, and when they don't, all hell and damnation breaks loose.

I have to learn to let him be him and be okay with that. It's a hard lesson.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Pulled in different directions...

This is my vent:

I find myself being pulled in so many different directions recently. I have been SuperAunt to my nephews since they were born. Since I don't have children of my own, my love and affection and devotion has gone into my nephews. I would do anything for them, give them the shirt off my back, whatever they want/wanted.
When Mr. Aries and I got together a few years ago, I did a fairly decent job of balancing my love life and my babies (what I call my nephews, I also call them Rugrats). There were some times when the rugrats displayed a little bit of jealousy, since AuntieGreenEye's attention was being diverted to someone else. It took a minute for them to warm up to Aries, and I know they now love him and see him as their Uncle. This warms my heart.
Well, my sister is going through a divorce and its getting nasty. Her soon to be Ex is being an ASS and isn't helping with any kind of support for the kids. Before this past weekend, the rugrats has not even seen their .. ahem... sperm donor... in nearly 3 months.
All that to say, my sister and the youngest 2 rugrats have gone out of town for the holiday weekend, and the oldest stayed in town to attend some 'school is over let's par.tay.' event. Well, he is at his father's apartment.... the plan was for me to pick him up. Well, since I'm recovering from surgery, I'm not supposed to be driving.... but Mr. Aries has decided that 'we' would be making things more convenient for 'spawn of the devil' so 'we' WON'T go pick up my nephew.
Mr. Aries' exact words were: why make it convenient for him, make him bring his son to us.
Okay, THAT was not the plan, this has nothing to do with making something convenient for someone else. This has to do with picking up my nephew and bringing him here for the weekend. WTF is this some sort of male pride shit? Why are you trying to make this about YOU and him, rather than being there for the kids?!?!?!

*pause to calm down*

I'll be back after I limp downstairs to my truck to go get my nephew.

Monday, May 17, 2010

How to keep up with it all?

This last 2 weeks has been only what I can describe as 'an insane rollercoaster'.
Surgery for fibroids, then cancelled surgery for fibroids, closing the quarter, then closing the month, feeling like a pin cushion because I've had so much blood drawn, then PMDD, followed by being SuperAunt and in there somewhere, being a mate to Mr. Aries.

I need a vacation so bad, I can TASTE the sea kissed breeze off the pacific ocean.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Stress is a bitch.

And I don't mean in a good way.
I'm stressed. I am overly stressed. So much so that my health is getting worse (read that as hormones fucked up, head hurting constantly, nauseated and just plain BLAH) and it makes me stressed that I'm stressed. WTF is THAT about?!
Okay, yes, I know I need to not stress. That shit is easier said than done. PERIOD.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


The last few weeks (read that as MONTHS) have been stressful for me. The nature of my profession, Mr. Aries being laid off, my hormone rollercoaster.... it makes for a very STRESSED Green Eyes. I need a vacation. Not a long weekend at home, I need a real vacation that involves leaving my house and not having any responsibility for a few days. Just to do what I want to do.. read, sleep late, order room service, see the beach.

An old friend of mine called me recently to check on me... after all the chitchat, we started exchanging emails...she tells me she has a friend with a timeshare on the beach on the east coast. *happy dance* She invites me to go along *happy dance* I immediately say yes. I wouldn't have to pay for a thing, just get my ass on a plane and all else will be handled. That sounded so good to me my mouth watered. I asked if her friend would be joining us or would it be just us girls..... just us girls and her friend (male) might join us for one night just to say hello. Aiight, cool. So she gives me the 'friend's' email address, I email him, asking questions about the timeshare, where it was exactly, how big, can you see the beach (y'all know I'm anal...I need details!).... he emails me back, tells me everything... he cc's my old buddy.

The next email I get is forwarded to me by mistake by my old friend......she tells me she is leaving her office in a few minutes and will call me.... underneath her information is a direct email to her from timeshare guy that says 'well according to her pictures on she is kinda on the FAT side'.


Now before I even tell you how that stung and the reason it stung is maybe because it's true and all that stuff, I will just say that I read that email close to a thousand times. How would I even respond to that? How do you deal with your friend's friend who thinks you're fat?


First, I responded to all, and said NICE, VERY NICE.... then I got mad. Then I told my friend to not even be concerned about me joining her at the timeshare, because frankly my idea of a relaxing vacation does not include some guy I don't even know giving me the side eye because I want to put a tank top on. Honestly, I'll pass on someone who would actually say that's hospitality.

The word FAT bothers me. I know I'm plus sized, LARGE, thick, hell... even overweight. But I have NEVER referred to myself as fat, even if others have thought so. I've seen photos of myself, both good and bad, and thought 'damn, I look puffy in that picture' or 'triple damn, I need to get rid of that shirt' or 'good LORD, they will be returning me to the wild very soon!'.. never once have I said 'I look fat in that picture'.

I'm not in denial about the fat that I have on my body. Not in denial about how MUCH fat there is on my body, especially my ass. I went over and over it in my head, you are fat, you are fat, you are fat, others see you are fat, others say (obviously in writing) that you are fat. Damn.
If it was a false statement, would I be hurt by some man I don't even know judging me? If it wasn't true, why would I give a shit?

These thoughts are running through my mind.....
To be continued....

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A quiet weekend...

I was feeling a bit funny on Friday. I knew I didn't have plans for the weekend, but Friday afternoon I felt the 'beginnings' of a migraine headache. It was just a dull sensation that seemed to be ongoing regardless of what I did or didn't do. So by Saturday morning at 1:38am, I felt like I was being hit in the head with a hammer.... the pain was so bad I ended up in the emergency room throwing up and crying my eyes out. *sigh* So much for my easy, quiet weekend. Damn hormones.
At any rate, I've been in bed since I got home from the ER yesterday.... and this is the list of things I've noticed:
1) I pay fitty eleven million dollars for all these damn cable channels and can't find anything to watch on tv.
2) My neighbor's dog gets very lonely when they leave him at home because he whines his ass off.
3) Morphine shots in your hip are not fun and make your colon unhappy.
4) I need new pillows.
5) Jello, applesauce and a banana is not a significant amount of food when you eat it, but when you throw it up, it seems like a 7 course meal.
6) My sister does not understand the meaning of 'I'm asleep can *I* call *YOU* back?'
7) I can't believe there was a movie on Skin.a.max. that was called 'The De.vil. wears Na.da'
8) I'm really cranky when I'm thirsty.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Yes. I rant.

I have alot going on right now. Between work and my girl-part health and the stress of being the breadwinner, I am NOT in the greatest of moods, especially when PMDD starts.
So when the end of the month/quarter rolls around due to my profession, I'm less than 'turn a cartwheel' happy. I'm more like 'glad to be home to a quiet house and some serenity'... which translates to: don't be stopping by if you are not a close personal friend aka I love you enough to donate a kidney if you needed one without calling. Calling and saying you are outside is NOT calling before you come by to check to see if its okay. I just laid into Mr. Aries for just walking downstairs and opening the door to his cousin (the one who decided that the good woman he had was not good enough because she questioned some ho.tramp.doggie.ass.slut. he had as a friend on No, I don't like him, I don't like men like him, he can stay his ass on the porch for all I care....and right now, hell naw I don't feel like being polite and no, don't even speak to me and I know your ho.ass. didn't just ask me if any of my friends are single and looking! Kiss both my ass cheeks, mofo, because it will be a snowballs chance in hot ass middle of the summer Houston before I even consider introducing you to my worst enemy, much less one of my friends.

*fixes an Amaretto Sour and takes my laptop upstairs*

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Better still...

Here is my newest list of ramblings: (the first of a few lists....)

1) I want some comfort food - and by comfort food I mean something with gravy, some lasagna, some macaroni & cheese. All the stuff that could be potentially bad for you and is not in my diet right now. *says a cuss (not curse) word*
2) NO, Ery.kah.Ba.Du. that was NOT.CUTE. I understand you did that for the shock factor and publicity, but not everyone sees your work as 'art'.
3) It's the second week of April and it will be 84 degrees this week. I'm not looking forward to Summer because we are gonna FRY. And this pollen is getting on my nerves.
4) I have a stack of magazines and 2 books I haven't read because I keep forgetting I have them.
5) Mr. Aries is upstairs taking a nap... who naps at 7:30 in the damn evening?
6) PMDD has started already this month. I feel like the last round of it just ended.... maybe this one will be better than the last?
7) I took the rugrats to the movies yesterday. They wore me the hell out.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

On a rainy Wednesday...

I'm still not over my hormone hump. Not sure WTF is going on this month, but be damned I'm still a cranky bitch! Awwww shit. Caffeine. That's what it is, I bet. I've been indulging in it a bit with coffee and word has it, caffeine makes the hormones go nuts. Great... gotta wait this one out.
I know (because I'm STILL hormonal) that I'm reacting to things with much more emotion than I normally would. The anxiety, insecurity and (what seems like) blackhole depression just overwhelm me and I don't see the sunnyside end in sight.

I wish there as an iPhone app for that.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's Friday.

I have a column deadline over the next few weeks that I know nothing about, re:the subject.
The money/budget part? I got that. But there is another magazine issue coming up where I just have to admit my ignorance. Enter my friend Tex. Y'all should find her.... her trickass (that's a compliment when I talk about those I love) is on my blog roll. SHE is the one that I can run my ideas by and will say, OH! you can do this! and OH! you can do that.... while I sit and shrug like, okay, aiight, really? I always refer to her as my friend that quotes all that UNIVERSE shit: you know the Universe is telling you something! Love is a mushroom, grown from shit by the Universe! The Universe WANTS YOU!


I can honestly say that I have a very diverse group of friends. They all bring a different personality and life experience to the table. Yes, they are ALL crazy in their only little way. I mean, aren't we all crazy? Crazy *is* relative, right?

So. Happy Friday, my crazy friends! I love ya!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Yes. My family puts the CRAY in CRAYZEE.

I have 3 nephews that melt my heart. The oldest turned 15 yesterday and since I was in the delivery and was the first to hold him, he has always been my baby. Because I don't have kids of my own, I 'adopted' my sister's. I call them everyday to tell them I love them. I spoil them rotten, they have an open door to my home that no one else has. I never thought my heart could be so heavy with love for kids that weren't 'technically' mine, but when nephew number 2 was born, my heart got bigger... and then number 3 and my heart got bigger once again!

Growing up, my childhood was not the most rosey. As a matter of fact, both my mother and father have ISSUES. I worked hard once I moved out for college to never go back to the city I grew up in and to make sure my life left a positive light on the world at large.
That's why I'm so involved in my nephew's lives. I want them to leave a positive influence and light on the world with their presence.
I've had so many people tell me I would be/make a wonderful mother. And I always say 'thank you' or 'I appreciate that'... I won't lie and say my uterus hasn't been twitching lately. But what I will admit is that having my own child, being a parent, being responsible for another little person's life scares the beheebies out of me. I don't know if I have the patience. I don't know if there will ever be a right time. But really what it boils down to is I don't want to become my Mother. No matter how much you try, or how much therapy or how much help you have in your mate, you will always retain some characteristics of how you were raised and habits you were taught. That scares me. ALOT. I have to work on it everyday.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


So in the end, it really IS true that men are visual.

I get to listen to all of them SAY 'the smart woman, the respectful woman, the accomplished woman' is the one they want to take home to Mom... but in the end, it's the one that has the slutty... oh, my bad... REVEALING pictures on or the one's that have the ditzy ass laugh at your dumb jokes that really get all the attention. The 'attractive' woman that is tasteful only gets a blink and a pass, but the one who is a bad girl gets the attention.

The reason for my rant? Mr. Aries has a male cousin, an attractive, accomplished, intelligent guy, who is stable... etc... the stuff that women are looking for. He met a really nice, attractive, intelligent, accomplished and stable woman. He likes her, she is tasteful, respectful, he took her to a family gathering or 2, even brought her to Christmas dinner (being a single guy who lost his mom a couple of years back, we invite him to holiday dinner here)... you could tell she was very into him and he was into her.... what's the problem? She saw his page where he was sending some revealing pictures and messages to some chick who had the name... let's just call her Aloe.Vera.... the attraction to THIS woman? She has freaky pictures all open on the networking site for you to see.... and he LIKES that she shows her boobs, her legs and is nude, though covered by a sheet, in one picture. Oh, but this is okay, because its and its not a big deal, right? Of course not! Just because you are licking the computer screen over some aloe ho, its just fine! So his lady friend asked him about it.... and he got MAD and broke it off with her.


I am SO irritated. You have something open on your facebook page. She asked you about it. You cop an attitude? Do you think this aloe vera fishnet trick was worth it?
Oh, so the reason I'm venting about it? Because he had the nerve to look for backup from Mr. Aries over here the other day. I sat and stirred. Bit my tongue, bit my lip... until he asked me what I thought.
I told him he needed to think with something other than his dick.
Mr. Aries was... shall we say.... not expecting me to say that.

UGH. Some men just make my ass itch. And not in a good way.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Are you afraid?

What stops you from doing what you need to do?
This is post is all over the place, so be prepared before you read it!
I’ve been really selfish lately. I have a lot of things that go on within my scary head during my hellish 2 weeks that I work out by really keeping to myself. I have never been a chatter, a talker, someone who has to tell their issues and business to someone else. I’m the quiet one, the one you come to for an unbiased opinion. Nothing really phases me, so it appears, on the outside. But on the inside, there is a war. Not the kind you see on but the kind where there is a good vs. evil type thing. I consider myself a pretty much straight forward kinda woman. If there is something up, I’m going to tell you to your face, not hint around about it, not send someone else a text. I've read so many blogs lately where there seems to be some hidden meaning or some ‘secret society’ of weenie asses. What is keeping you from moving forward to do what you need to do? Are you afraid you will hurt someone’s feelings? Are you afraid of yourself – that taking this step might mean you have to continue on the path to NOT being a weenie? Are you afraid the thing you do will backfire? Do you want to live your life afraid of how others will see you ALL the time?
I also had a struggle to get over myself. For those of you who read this and don’t know what this means, the best way to describe it is I had to realize it’s not all about me all the time. Oh well. It was as if a voice in my head was telling me to get over it. Really. There is nothing I can do about it/them/that, they are not crying over me, so what the hell am *I* doing? Get over yourself, Green. And that’s what I did.
I never wanted to become the high maintenance friend. The kind of friend that always had something negative to say and never had a smile or a kind word or made you roll your eyes when you saw their name on the caller ID or heard that creepy ringtone you assigned them in your cellie. I was always the one who had friends grow away from me, not the other way around. And yet, because of my actions nowadays with trying to better my life, trying to keep myself away from others when I am feeling negative, trying to stop repeating the same actions that got me further from my goals, rather than closer, I seem to be growing away from my comfort zone. I could take the weenie way out and be afraid and scared and not continue. Or I can keep going and going and going ala ener.gizer.bun.ny. until it all comes together.
And that’s what I’m gonna do. When it all comes together, I am gonna burst with pride AND I’ll have another 30 or so haters to shake off.

Yes, Ms.Green will be killing these hoes softly.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Aiight, Curvy Jones.... here are the 7.

Seven little known things about your girl, GreenEyes:

1) I have an addiction to H.G.T.V. I watch it every night. Doesn't matter what show, if it's on H.G.T.V. I'm going to watch it.

2) I set my alarm every weeknight, but since I'm an insomniac, I'm always up to turn it off before it goes off in the morning.

3) I have nothing on the walls of my house because Mr. Aries and I disagree on Art. I like abstract, he likes human interest, so our compromise is nothing. *cracks up*

4) I bartended my way through college.

5) I eat the same breakfast 6 days a week: scrambled eggs with spinach and onion and a piece of toast.

6) I have a blanket I cannot sleep without. Yes, it's my Linus blanket. I even take it with me on trips.

7) I listen to talk radio in the morning on the way to work, but hate it on my drive home. For the drive home, it's LOUD.RAP.ONLY.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

It's the weekend eve...

And I'm rambling:

Holiday weeks (yes, our company was off on President's.Day) always seem long as hell to me. It's like the hours between noon and 4 take 8 hours to actually pass. I swear I looked at the clock at 1:58 because I had a meeting at 2 and 4 hours later it was only 2:30. WTH?
I'm really about tired of this rollercoaster weather we are having. One day its 32 degrees, today it was 72. Do I need winter clothes or summer clothes? Do I need my boots or do I need to bust out some flip.flops?
Why the hell do people take their lunch in the bathroom at work? Like you go to warm up your lean.cuisine. your or your lunch from home, take it out of the microwave and then on the way back to your desk you remember you had to pee? So you take your food in the work bathroom? That grosses me the hell out.
I think I'm going to bed early tonight. Wonder if that means I'm getting old?

Monday, February 15, 2010

The stigma of mental illness.

PMDD. I never thought it would happen to me.

I live with a man who is very ANTI-drug, anti-psychiatry, anti-'tell your problems to someone else and expect a prescription to make it all better'. I used to be that way. I had a rough childhood that very few people know about. As a child, hearing the same negative phrases repeated to you over and over about becoming nothing in life, you begin to believe it. So as an adult, I had alot... ALOT... and in case you didn't get that... ALOT of issues to work through. I believe I have indeed worked through them, but it wasn't easy. I still have to catch myself every now and then. Nearly 6 years ago, around the time I turned 30, something started happening to me. Every few weeks I would get irritated over little things. Then I would start crying for no reason, then get raging mad, then suddenly feel like I was in a deep dark pit of sadness that would just overwhelm me. It was like a bad dream that would last for days at a time. I would keep my office door closed all day, never answer the phone, I would email only because the thought of actually talking to someone disgusted me. I would wear all black to work, go straight home from the office, take a shower and get in bed. Yes. It was THAT bad. This would last up until my *monthly visitor* showed up and the day after that I would be fine. Smiling, laughing, chatting, things were fine. It was freaky. I really hate to use the 'Jekyll & Hyde' cliche' but it was exactly like that.

So I mentioned this to my doctor during a visit about a sinus issue. She said it sounded like I had a classic case of 'hormonal imbalance'... and gave me a little something to take everyday. And the only way I can describe how that 'little something' made me feel everyday? NUTS. I thought I was losing my damn mind. So back to the doctor I went again. And again. And again. Then got referred to a specialist, then a shrink, then I started doing my own research online and keeping a journal of what days felt like hell and what days didn't. And I found a doctor. A real doctor who listened to me, talked to me about other patients who had my same symptoms, and started a treatment plan to make sure that I stayed level the entire month.

I struggle with using the phrase 'treatment for mental illness' for myself because if I had a quarter for everytime I heard 'you just need to exercise!' or 'if you take some blue treetrunk oil caplets and 3 jingleberries (or insert whatever supplement here) each day, you'll be fine!' or 'oh, its JUST pms, women in the olden days ran entire households, washed the car, mowed the lawn, changed the oil in their cars AND managed to breast feed back then! You don't have ANY of that stress, so you should be able to handle it!' I'd be one filthy rich Green.Eyed.Bitch. But I know none of that is true for me. I know that 2 weeks out of the month if I don't do as my doctor tells me to, I am a Jekyll.and.Hyde. PMDD = PMS on steroids. And yet, compared to someone that has bi.polar.dis.order or anxiety so severe they can't leave their house, PMDD seems relatively easy, simple, not so serious. Compared to those with chemical imbalances in their brains, PMDD seems like 'mental illness light' instead of heavy. The stigma that society envelopes around mental illness really saddens me. And moreso, the fact that I used to be one of those people - putting all crazy people in one group, a group that couldn't solve their own problems and were just wimps and couldn't buck up to handle business. I guess it takes something happening to you or someone close to you to change your mind.
Seeking help is not a bad thing. Getting help is not a bad thing. Taking meds your doctor recommends to help you through a difficult time or to help you back to happiness is damn sure not a bad thing.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

To Valentine or not to Valentine?

When I was kid, I remember my mother having hormone issues. She would actually spend a couple of days in bed, in pain, sleeping and yelling at us for no reason.

My goal as an adult was to make sure I didn't become my mother. I have never have the family that inspired sappy greeting cards. My mother and grandmother and great grandmother had hormone issues that they called just PMS. About 5 years ago, I found myself with something I also thought was PMS.... except it was PMS on steroids. Enter PMDD. For 2 weeks out of the month, I'm so irritated, depressed, angry and very VERY indifferent to whatever situation presents itself. All that translates to being a complete and total BITCH... all the way around.
My code to my friends used to be 'IT HAS BEGUN' and that was the signal that meant get ready for hormonal GreenEyes.
SO... all that to say Valentine's Day rolled around this year smack dab in the middle of this 2 week hell. I knew I was in trouble when I walked into the Grocery Store and it was all PINK and RED... balloons, flowers, candy, stuffed animals. I almost hurled.
Yes, friends, it made me nauseated to even see the commercialism that has become Valentine's day.
I have about 4 more days of hormone hell and then its back to my regularly scheduled programming. Say a prayer, since Lent is in 2 days and my goal is to give up soda and *gulp* alcohol.

Friday, February 12, 2010

WTF Friday....

This is going to be a new tradition on the pages of Green Eyes.

Because I'm an admitted news junkie, the first thing I do when I get home (this is after I sit my stuff down, take off this damn bra and kick off my shoes) is turn on the news. I have Associated.Press and Time.Magazine updates on my Black.berry. I have an active CNN ticker on my taskbar at work. Yes, I'm a news junkie. Proud to admit it.

SO, I get home yesterday, turn on the news and the top story is some 'sky.eye' breaking news story about how some male (I won't even call him a man, since his actions are not of a true man) is on the run..... after he gets pulled over for a routine traffic stop, he gives the officer the wrong name. As the officer leaves to go back to his vehicle to run the name through the system, the MALE jumps out of his truck and takes off running. Officer chases, losing the male.
Sounds 'news worthy' enough, right? Nothing that would warrant more than a minute on the news, right? Well..... homie left his 4 year old daughter IN THE TRUCK alone. AND had an open can of beer in the cupholder.
WTF? Your foul ass just leaves your 4 year old daughter in the truck because you feel like running from the cops? You are transporting your 4 year old daughter and downing some beer at the same time?
His foul ass is still on the run. He needs his ass straight up beat when he gets caught.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cosmetics from the drugstore that I love... alot.

I've always had an open mind when it comes to cosmetics. I've tried my fair share of pricey department store brand items and while some of them REALLY wowed me, others were a total waste of money.
Now, I can say that my custom blend powder from Presciptives was some of the best money I've ever spent. Being that my skin is on the lighter side and no orange in my skintone, it was hard to find a foundation/powder/concealer in the right shade. So one day I was walking through Macy's and got snagged by a lady who told me I had pretty eyes and she would love to do eyemakeup on me. I was in a decent mood that day, so I decided why not...
Well, my eyes looked great and $118 dollars later, I had custom blend powder and haven't looked back since. I also have really REALLY oily skin and have to take care to put the right products on that can last during the day without melting off.
A million years ago, I heard that you should spend your high $$$ on your foundation, powder and concealer and your color (eyeshadow, liner, blush, mascara, lipstick) should be what you can play around with.
So here are my drugstore finds that I find myself not wanting to ever be without:
Revlon Colorstay Liquid Liner in Black - I wear this stuff every single day and it does NOT budge until I take it off.
L'oreal Voluminous Waterproof Volume Building Mascara - my goto mascara that I keep in my makeup case. Volume without flaking or clumping.
Covergirl LashBlast and LashBlast Length Mascara - I layer these 2 when I want to have glam movie star-like lashes. I always get compliments.
Bert's Bees Lip Balm - throw this on at night before bed and it gives you the softest lips and helps your lipstick gone on smooth
Covergirl Outlast All Day Color - I have so many colors in this, but my favorites are Ever-Redy (when I'm feeling daring) and Adobe Sand
Revlon Colorstay 12 hour Eyeshadow - coffebean is the quad that I think makes my green eyes pop. (the pigments are really good, but I also use an eyeshadow that is NOT drugstore, Urban Decay, which I also love love LOVE)

It never fails when I walk into Wal.greens, I always end up buying some new cosmetic or something to try. My favorites have come from alot of trial and error.
Try some of my recommendations. I think you'll be pleased!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ask a question and get an honest answer?

I ask Mr. Aries questions because the behavior of men puzzle me sometimes. And sometimes he gives the answer that makes me say 'Hmmmm' and other times he gives me an answer that I want to debate. Sometimes I get the answer that prompts my 'WTF' response.
Today was one of those days. I asked him: why do you think some women are successful in relationships with men and others aren't?
His answer: because women don't know how to move on from average.
Uh... okay. What? Excuse me? What does that mean? The moment something calms down and the honeymoon phase is over, you are supposed to move on?
Him: you know thats not what I mean. When you are in a relationship with someone and instead of them being respectful, they are simply out for self, its time to move on. Some women value the title of girlfriend/woman/wife more than they value themselves.


Me: oh.

I guess when you ask a question, you should be prepared for the answer. I was unprepared for THAT answer. You know, because on Snap.ped. its always the man's fault! That's what drives the woman to Snap! (not really, but you understand what I mean)
So he keeps talking: There is also an issue with leading.
Me: Leading?
Him: yes, Leading. Men want to be the 'LEADER' the 'Man' in the relationship, not necessarily having the woman submit to them, but having her let the natural sense of the man/woman relationship take it course, with the man as the protector.
Me: *pause* *reflect*

Hmmm. I wonder how other women feel about that answer?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Style,.. part 1.

Citation issued for orange lipstick with black lipliner... and it wasn't Halloween or a M.A.C. print ad.

Citation issued for green and gold weave ala Super.Bowl. colors Lousiana style.... and you weren't IN Lousiana.

Citation issued for size E breasts in a C bra... and you weren't in a Lil.Wayne. ho ass video.

Citation issued for open-toed Easter egg yellow sandals and its 46 degrees outside and raining AND you standing at the bus stop waiting on the Metro.

Citation issued for that little finger wave shit you do with your baby hair.... and you're 38 years old.

Citation issued for that fake ass wannabe 29 carat gold pinky ring with the ala trying to be like Opr.ah eternity band.

And last, but certainly not least:

Citation issued for Phen-dee bag you thought was gonna fool folks into thinking you paid high dollar for that, when honestly, that thread coming from the seams and leather that's turning your shoulder black gave it away that not only do you have a fake.. you got a cheap ass fake.

*pause to reflect*

Sunday, February 7, 2010

As the blog goes by, so do the days of our lives..

Never get tired of that.
Today is foot.ball.sunday. THE Sunday.
Worm week has just started. (a little background on worm week: I have PMDD.... it lasts for 2 weeks, 14 start days where I'm mad, irritated, down right angry, bitchy, horny, depressed... my friend has a saying ' one wants to be my friend, everyone wants me to eat worms!' and thus, worm week (or should I say worm WEEKS)... was born)
I've tried to set aside the fact that the man I shack up with invited folks over here for the game... and told me on Wednesday. I also set aside the fact he invited MORE people and just told me yesterday. They also have KIDS, which will be here with nothing to do but watch TV. Imma set that aside too.
In the calm of the morning, sitting on my sofa, watching the news, I have alot to do... but I'm not stressed about it. YET.
I issues a style citation to a woman wearing black lip liner with ORANGE lipstick yesterday. Excuse, WTF was she thinking??? That shit is not cute.
Pour some 40 our for my steamflat iron. Damn thing will cut on... and not get hot. WTF again.
A replacement is on the horizon.
My office has become the out.break.monkey. Everyone is sick and I'm doing my best to NOT be sick AND hormonal at the same time. That shit is not cute.


Monday, February 1, 2010

I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish...

I wish I had writing skills.
I'm not talking about the ability to put a sentence together; hell, I do that everyday. I wish I could think of a story and plot and be witty and everyone break down to stomp necks to read my blog.
Not so much.
I wish some feminists would STFU. Yes I know, that's not PC. But dammit, I get it. You don't need a man, you are ALL WOMAN and shit. Yes, I get it. But honestly, aint nuthing wrong with having a mate. It does not make you weaker. You are weak if you are weak period, no one MAKES you that way unless you let them.
I wish diets were easy. My bad, 'lifestyle changes'. My lifestyle change is kicking my ass, especially with all the advertisements about the upcoming game this weekend. Pizza here, wing there, 'let us cater your party!'. I'm losing my footing. It's not cute.
I wish I wasn't so anal about money. Being the only income in a relationship has its pitfalls. Being the anal one who counts every cent in a one income relationship? It rollercoasters constantly.
I wish I hadn't taken it personally when I told someone I fractured my toe and they laughed at me. It hurt my feelings and I want to be the person who doesn't take shit like that personally.
I wish I had new pillows on my bed. I love my bed, but dammit, my neck hurts. I'm tired of going to a place to get new pillows and they feel great in the store, then suck when you sleep on them for a week. HUMBUG.
I wish I were more loveydovey about love and I'm not. I'm not feeling it this year. I can't remember if I felt it last year. Is every retail establishment decorated red or pink with floaty hearts? HUMBUG again.
I wish I had the answer to what you do when you feel like you've outgrown a good friend. What happens when you have nothing good to say about them except they are a child of the God? What happens when you realize the path you are on when you met them is not the path you are on now and they have yet to grow? HUMBUG numero 3.

Friday, January 29, 2010

I struggle with thinking this way about race...

Particularly, MY race.
Being black (or my bad, African American... that's an ENTIRELY different post) I find myself thinking sometimes that *my* actions dictate how others see other black people.
For instance, I know there are very few black accountants in the corporation I work for.... so I think, well, I *have* to prove myself, on behalf of my race. After all, I represent my race, right?
I kick ass at what I do and I'm proud of that. I put in that extra mile to prove myself, but really, am I doing myself justice? My name justice? My RACE justice?
I find myself holding my breath sometimes watching the news thinking 'whoever did what violent/bad/horrific crime, Lord PLEASE don't let them be black'.... they are? DAMN.
Yes, I know, its a bad thing to think Its a bad thing to catch yourself thinking it.


I like the fact I'm pretty well known at work. As the only Cost Accountant for a huge location, I go between being a corporate bean counter, to a homie with the guys that work production. I'm cool with the guy who sweeps the floors, all the way up to the President. I'm also in good with the receptionist (which most folks can tell you is GREAT, because the receptionist damn near knows it all!)....
About a week ago, the receptionist invites a handful of folks to preview the new office products for 2010. Aw shoot! I love me some office products! I notice there are 2 other black people on the list, one administrative assistant and one mailroom clerk. I know them both well, helped them both with their Accounting homework and statistics (both are in school) and well over 4o....
So lunchtime rolls around, we all go into the conference room where the office supply reps have provided lunch.... here we go...
1) I consider FREE lunch something that is a luxury. If you aren't paying, then most of the time, you have NO SAY as to what will be provided, no say if you get extra cheese, extra bacon, your fajitas WELL DONE instead of medium,... etc..... so when the rest of the folks invited to the presentation help themselves and rejoice in the free lunch, the 2 black women get to smacking their lips and complaining. The food doesn't have enough seasoning, the meat is not well done, the plates aren't big enough.

How about you take some FREE lunch and shut your damn mouth? How about you DON'T act like you have NEVER eaten before and PILE your plate with so much food it SPILLS off?

2) When people are giving presentations, they typically ask questions that rhetorical. 'Do you have problems printing labels straight?' 'Do you put something aside to file and have problems finding it later?' 'Have you ever thought about color coding your files?'.... most folks nod or shake their head, as these questions are posed to the group, not to YOU individually. So no, you REALLY don't have to UH HUH and YES to the person giving the presentation DIRECTLY. I heard yes, UH HUH, OH YES with a MOUTHFUL of food the ENTIRE hour we were in the presentation. Guess who was doing it? Yes, those 2 black women.

3) Door prizes. Each person got a ticket and like most raffles, one end is yours, the other goes into the hat. At the end of the hour, numbers are drawn for 'prizes'. Oh okay, great. So everyone starts winning the pens, pencils, folders and labels. At the end of it, 3 people didn't have prices... so they gather those tickets and just say 'here, xxx, take this prize if your number was 33'... it was a PEN. Black woman #2 has her face all twisted up and gets LOUD talking about how 33 was HER number and thats HER pen! Excuse me, its a damn PEN... not insulin... not a new car... not a 3 week vacation to Cabo. A PEN. Not a mont.blanc. pen. A office supply ballpoint pen.
What the hell? Shut the HELL up and take your ghetto ass back over to the next building.

When the presentation and lunch and door prize fun was finally over, who do you think STILL wanted more freebies? Yes, those 2. One of them even had the nerve to say outloud they were going to take the sticky notes HOME with them because they didn't wanna buy some.


I realize some folks just don't know better. They don't care what others think or how they represent themselves. But I also know that in a Corporate environment you are judged by how you act, how you interact with others, how others see you. It's the way its always been, it will always be this way as long as appearances matter.
When it was all said and done, I was embarrassed for them and for us. I was embarrassed that people were staring, embarrassed that they were loud and impolite and had no table manners. I found myself thinking, damn, I bet those 2 set the tone for the entire presentation. Not those of us that carried our professionalism into lunch and beyond. Not those of us who really were there to check out the products as an FYI, not as our home office supply hookup.

Yes, I believe that one bad apple ruins the entire bunch. I try not to think about that being literal but honestly, think about what you remember the most... the BAD act, the person who engraves themselves on your brain is the one who shows their ass, not the one who is well behaved.

It's just something thats been on my mind.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I got 9 good toes and I wanna keep em....

Dear left foot,
I would appreciate you not bumping into, casually brushing against or crashing loudly upon any material/doorframe/bed edge that could do you harm. I got 9 good toes and wanna keep em.

Now then. As my friend B would say, A pimpette is DOWN.... I'm limping around the office and home due to a fractured toe. This shiz aint EVEN cute... and what's less attractive? Limping around with your toes taped together! My OPI Black Onyx pedicure has tape residue on it... and that is not Verde's style.


Had a little coffee catchup scheduled with Tex and what happened? Fell asleep in my chair... her phone call woke me up an HOUR after our coffee date was supposed to happen. WTF? I blame the meds for the 1 bad toe. Those that know me know I am NEVER late if its under my control. And if its not? I am NEVER rude enough to leave someone hangin.


This post was supposed to be about my experience with a nonePC topic... how others shame the race with their behavior. I'll touch on that tomorrow because I have some things I want to discuss.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Style? Do you have it?

There are things that I know about that make me who I am.
I know accounting, yes, and its my career. I love it... it has its peaks and valleys, but I love it.
I know makeup. I can tell you what color looks great on your skin, what colors compliment your eyes, which mascara makes your lashes touch your forehead. Makeup. I love it.
I know money. Money and I have had a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I have money, sometimes I don't. No, I'm not liquid, but I can tell YOU how to be. I can tell you how to save, I can do your taxes, I can tell you the difference in an IRA and a CD. Money. I love it.

My favorite guilty pleasure is fashion... be it shoes, jewelry, clothes.... I love it ALL. I read everything I can about it.... I window shop in person and online. I watch fashion shows on tv and am signed up for every department store and boutique email for specials, sales, openings and coupons. It cracks me up to check my black.berry in the morning and realize I have 367 emails and half of them are fashion and shopping related.
Honestly, I would love to work in the fashion industry... own my own boutique for classic and stylish items for the woman who loves to look fabulous without breaking the bank and/or robbing the cradle.
Yes, I'm THAT friend: the one you WANT to go shopping with because I'm honest. I will tell you if something looks a hot ass mess on you or if that fabric doesn't agree with your body type or if you need some spanx. But I will also tell you when something looks fantastic on you and if you are sizzling hot in it!

I like to talk about style... so it'll come up here in my blog often.
As my friend Tex would say...'that makes me happy.'

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Yes, I feel like a hater.

It's funny sometimes how your friends have the same internal thoughts ( read that as struggles ) as you do. I say funny because in theory, of course your friends have the same thoughts as you, that's why you're friends, right? But so much so that you could have written what they wrote? You could have said exactly what they said word for word?

I know of several folks that have weight loss surgery recently. They made the decision to do something about their weight, something they have struggled with for years and years.
They did it and are reaping the bennys.
I decided the last week of December 2009 to take back my health.... and rejoined the gym, started working out, got my diet in order and started taking vitamins and supplements for PMDD. I'm a little envious (read that as HATING/HATER) that I'm working my ass off and have lost 3 pounds..... and WLS folks have lost 380 pounds in 14 seconds. Of course thats my own perception. I want what I want now and I want 'snap your finger' weightloss. Oh yes, I've gone to the gym to sweat. I've eaten grilled meats and veggies and no bread. But its not rewarding me the way I thought it would. Its not rewarding me with thighs that don't rub together, a single chin instead of a double, a disappearing muffin top or the comfortable feeling when someone whips the camera out.
And my hater feelings follow me to the gym as well. I struggle to keep up a 3mph pace on the treadmill or to do the alpine program on the bike for longer than 5 minutes, whereas everyone around me is humming along like its nothing and they could stairmaster to Alaska and back without much effort.
I hate comparing myself to others but I can't make it disappear. It's not counterproductive to me.... in the sense that it'll make me stop doing what I need to do for me..... I would like to think its even inspirational..... but honestly, the hater in me wants to progress to the HATED....

So yes, that's what we will do. We will use it to go from Hater to Hated.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Home from the gym... and other creative scenarios...

My legs hurt. Fitty eleven million folks at the gym this afternoon. Got my treadmill on and got the hell up outta there.

Maybe there might be something to the 'get some exercise and level your emotions' thing because I swear I feel better now than I did earlier today; I was ready to explode.

Good thing those feelings have *almost* subsided.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 2 at the gym

I think I worked hard. Other folks in this house thinks I was fakin. Caused a BIG blowup.

But lets get back to the subject... this is about me and what I need to do for myself. I know what to do, its just applying that knowledge. I did a little grocery shopping to prepare myself and I'm happy that I have the tools to at least last me til I can do some major farmers market shopping this weekend.

I know that I'm going to be hurting tomorrow because I did weights today. I got home from the gym and was so hungry I would have ate my shoe if I thought it was low.carb.
But I had scrambled eggs instead.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day one at the gym.

Today was my first day back at the gym.
I can't believe I actually followed the recommendation for I walked, did higher intensity and then ran for a few seconds. Of course, I was panting, sweating and legs felt like jel.lo. afterwards, but dammit if I'm not proud of myself.

Now, lets talk about those folks who think you always have to do things their way. I hope I don't regret going to the gym with the man I live with who thinks he fuckin knows it all. There is always a 'you did good, BUT....' from him. Never a "You did good PERIOD'. So I'm going to start going at my crazy hours without him, that way I don't have his influence and can be my own cheerleader.

Viva la treadmill!!!!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

As the World revolves around my words, so do the days of our lives...

Damn that was cheesy. But its the mood I'm in right now.
I'm so freakin hormonal. And when I'm this hormonal I'm very hard on myself. I had a handful of people tell me how beautiful I looked yesterday and I thought I looked like a bloated hot ass mess. I'm retaining enough water to quench the thirst of a small country. I have 33 pimples on my chin and forehead. I want some coffee, a pepsi, some nachos and some crawfish.... which basically translates to caffeine, sugar, melted cheese and grease. I'm irritated easily, but stuff that would normally blow right over my shoulder.
I think I need a vacation.

On a positive note, I'm feeling really good about meeting my first article deadline for SS Money. I do have a feeling, however, that the Editor might return it to me saying its alllll over the place. *cracks up at myself*

random thought: I need some brown leather boots.
random thought #2: I need to stay off

*pause for reflection*

Watching the coverage on the Haiti disaster really makes me count my blessings. The grief that I see is breaking my heart.

Have you subscribed to SKORCH magazine? Why not? Do it.
The owner of this townhouse is REALLY starting to bother me. I'm considering not renewing my lease.