Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It's all in the wrist...

I'll come back for my deep thoughts for you to marinate on later, however this little tidbit inspired me this morning:

'If you aren't happy, why are you wasting your time?'

*dramatic pause*


*blank stare* (that one is from Ms. Jamerica)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year... New...?

I've become fairly indfferent about the new year over the past few years.... I used to be the first to make resolutions, noting what my life seemed to lack and making sure 'I aced that bitch of a goal' I set for myself. And then.... life happened. Those brand new habits you said you would train your brain to do don't get done. Life continues to happen, you reflect on what you said you were gonna do, clean it up a bit, then life happens so more. If you're like me, you look up and realize 'DAMN, ITS DECEMBER!!! WTF HAPPENED TO MAY?!'

I will say that around this time I get really restless. I want to make changes.... the innerGreenEyes wants to do something totally unlike her. So I got a tattoo.... and a piercing..... and I'm going to get another piercing because I loves me some body art.... anyone wanna guess where the newest piercing is? *giggle*

The reason I stopped blogging is that I never thought my life was interesting enough to talk about. Besides, I'm not the writer. I'm the thinker... but putting thoughts into a blog for everyone else to read and critique? Uh.... *pause*

Anyway, enough of me (tat tat tatted up, tat tat tatted up)..... I'm cool, I'm chillin at Tex's house sippin some tea... because I have to have SOME sort of culture.... just sayin.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a wild ride the last couple of months.
Studying for the CPA, passing the first 2 parts of said exam, moving to a new crib, fighting with Mr. Aries, thinking my sister is crazy, missing my nephews, working my ass off as SuperAccountant and top all that off with PMDD!

Damn, where to even begin..... gotta marinate on that.
Oh and I got an i.Phone. so perhaps there is an app for that!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Nothing to see over here.

I'm here, but I'm not all here.
PMDD, Mr. Aries, moving, work.... it's been so much more than I thought I could handle.

That's all I have to say about that.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Quickies and random thoughts...

- The new marketing bandwagon of using talking animals, animals driving cars, animals rapping... I hate it. Really.

- Not sure WTF I was thinking when I made this class schedule for an inventory management certification and a prep class for the CPA at the same time. Free time? What is that?

- I'm moving in 2 weeks and I have not packed a single thing. Not cute.

- little Mr. Aries is here for the summer. My ear is being talked off. He has an opinion about every single freakin thing that exists on the planet. I appreciate that, really. But might not want to hear about it for 9 hours straight. Take a nap. Take a break. Go to bed early. /step parent of the year

- I need to drink more water. I've been really thirsty lately. I need a facial. I need a massage. I need something other than rum & coke for lunch.

- The new i.Phone. has been looking at me. I keeping telling it to go away, but it wants to lurk around me. Go away! I'm sticking with my berry, so *sign of the cross*


Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's time...

This post is all over the damn place… so here we go…

It’s hard to avoid your reflection. It’s even harder to realize that the reflection you see is not what you thought it would be. I never considered myself FAT… let me tell you why… I always considered myself plus-sized, thick… I come from a line of women that have big boobs, large frames, squared off shoulders… so when I was a double D bra size in 10th grade, it was normal for my family…. In my mind I was always just large… a big difference from being all out FAT. When I think of FAT, I think of the jiggly stuff on a ribeye steak, those folks you see on T.L.C. that can’t get out of bed or function… extreme obesity. It wasn’t until I started seeing the look of JUST love in the eyes of Mr. Aries that I realized I was fat. Have you ever seen the ‘just love’ look? It’s the look you get when you go to hug a man, that used to desire you and now finds you pretty, but not sexy. It’s the ‘I love you so much, more than any other woman I have ever loved, but I’m not attracted to you’ look.

Let’s marinate on that a moment, while I go on with more thoughts.

I had a conversation with Curvy Jones about being shallow. Is there a fine line that we walk when we say we don’t want a fat man? We don’t want a thin man? If you are vocal about the body type of the person you want to be with and find attractive, are you shallow? Am I shallow because I think I’m all that and a bag of chips or is that just vanity? Don’t we all have preferences? Isn’t there something that you want that’s a ‘must have’ rather than a ‘kinda sorta would consider if’? We women are emotional… most of us when asked what we would prefer in a man, we start talking about personality traits… sense of humor, wit, intelligence, empathy. Ask a man? He wants long hair, big lips, big boobs, small waist.
I consider myself attractive. But I also know that my health is starting to weaken over the extra weight I’m carrying. It’s been 5 or so years since I went to the doctor the first time to complain about migraine headaches. My doctor, whom I’ve gone to for 12 years, told me to lose weight, start watching what I eat, eliminate dairy products, go toward more veggies and lean meats. But that’s hard! How does a professional that works 10 hours a day, in a corporate office that loves to cater in lunch for extra-large-portion-eating-men, eat more veggies and lean meat and not eat cheese? WTF. So in my own mind I figured we (read that as I) would just band-aid the problem. After all, cheese can’t be that bad, right? A little fat and some headaches and I got to eat what I wanted all the time? FINE! Right then, began my journey to find the right thing for me, diet wise. This should be simple, everyone knows you shouldn’t eat high fat cheeseburgers and fitty eleven fries with it and wash all that down with a milkshake. Everyone knows you have to exercise sometimes. But what if you really REALLY don’t want to? What do you do then? (that’s rhetorical, by the way)… so let me answer that for you… you make excuses. I have made every fuckin excuse in the book as to why I won’t exercise or eat in a way that can get me lean and sexy… don’t have time…boobs so big no sports bra would hold me…hate the gym…everyone is so thin there and I’m huffing and puffing after walking 1 minute on the treadmill…forgot to go to the grocery store…it’s cheaper to eat out…I have a headache… I have cramps…forgot my gym clothes…lunch was free, even if it was pizza…so what if I have a little (uh, it aint a little) extra weight, I’m cute, I can carry it just fine…. And on and on and on and on.
Now I’m out of excuses… or I’m tired of them, either one. I’ve gotten to the point where I know being overweight is not cute. This is not about BBW love or hating on the big girls. This is about what is comfortable to me, what I can feel good about.
First, I have to take control of my eating. No, I don’t forget to eat (how the hell do folks do that shit?)…but I know I don’t eat well (get in enough veggies, eat square meals, eat more protein). I know I can do it because thus far I’ve lost a pants size (now a size 18 and an XL shirt).
Next is taking control of exercise. I have a gym membership that I pay for to a great gym… and haven’t used it but a handful of times in the last 12 months. I really REALLY don’t like going after work because that’s when the place is the busiest. So I have to decide if I can get over that or go in the morning before work. These 2 things (eating and exercise) sound so simple on paper and yet the anxiety in my head about the pair is complicated.

Getting back to what I said about Mr. Aries… we had a long talk/discussion/fight about the kind of woman I am and the physical woman that he prefers. The facts about me being intelligent, witty, caring, kind and respectful don’t go unappreciated. But the fact that I have a big hanging stomach, fat rolls, start sweating going up one flight of steps and won’t wear shorts or dresses *IS* unappreciated. And honestly, I can’t say I blame him. Those that know Mr. Aries know he is not thin… he is a big, tall, football linebacker, Neanderthal kind of a guy. He wears a 3X shirt and can eat plates of food. And he wants me to be sexy… not only for his own preference, but for confidence in myself. There is a difference is how I am now and how I used to be when I was younger and smaller. I want that back. This is not something I want to do for him, I won't do it for him, this is for ME. This is all about me and my own journey to be happy with my figure, happy to shop for clothes, happy to wear shorts, happy to be outside and social.

I want that back.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Another 7 days before I go back to work...

Now. I'm going to be straight up honest and say I cannot relate to women who want to spend every waking moment with their men. I have been home approximately 7 days and I swear Mr. Aries has me about to catch a damn charge! His bedside manner is... uh... not there. But if I need him to kill a bug, he is totally down for that. Need him to get the oil changed? He's your guy. Need him to rub on your back and peel you a grape and ask how you're feeling and if your tummy needs rubbing? Find another man. Want to talk about your feelings? Aw hell to the naw. He is what he is and I've accepted him for that. I also know I'm not the easiest woman to live with. I have my moments, hormonal and know it all (and yes, dammit, I *do* know it all) that clash with him. And I've found myself wondering if LOVE is enough to overcome any disagreement, any challenge, any rollercoaster ride.
I was so angry at him yesterday for making a seemingly easy task all about him... some male pride bullshit that made absolutely no sense to me... and it still doesn't. What I had to realize is that the way I feel about my nephews, how I love them to my very core, is not how HE feels about my nephews. He wasn't there when they were born. He hasn't been there for the first day of school or the birthday parties or the school field trips that I've been around for.
What I expected of him was to feel what I feel/felt, have his heart heavy for my babies... not to make it about him and what he thinks SOTD (that's spawn of the devil aka my nephew's father) needs to do/not do.


I do not understand men. I thought I did. It always boiled down to 'men are simple, if you aren't naked, fix them a sandwich and pass them the remote control'... and life would be great.
But they aren't really that simple. They are complicated because we make them complicated. We put our emotion into how we think they should act/be and end up with a whole mess of complicated. We expect them to react a certain way because WE would react a certain way, and when they don't, all hell and damnation breaks loose.

I have to learn to let him be him and be okay with that. It's a hard lesson.