The last few weeks (read that as MONTHS) have been stressful for me. The nature of my profession, Mr. Aries being laid off, my hormone rollercoaster.... it makes for a very STRESSED Green Eyes. I need a vacation. Not a long weekend at home, I need a real vacation that involves leaving my house and not having any responsibility for a few days. Just to do what I want to do.. read, sleep late, order room service, see the beach.
An old friend of mine called me recently to check on me... after all the chitchat, we started exchanging emails...she tells me she has a friend with a timeshare on the beach on the east coast. *happy dance* She invites me to go along *happy dance* I immediately say yes. I wouldn't have to pay for a thing, just get my ass on a plane and all else will be handled. That sounded so good to me my mouth watered. I asked if her friend would be joining us or would it be just us girls..... just us girls and her friend (male) might join us for one night just to say hello. Aiight, cool. So she gives me the 'friend's' email address, I email him, asking questions about the timeshare, where it was exactly, how big, can you see the beach (y'all know I'm anal...I need details!).... he emails me back, tells me everything... he cc's my old buddy.
The next email I get is forwarded to me by mistake by my old friend......she tells me she is leaving her office in a few minutes and will call me.... underneath her information is a direct email to her from timeshare guy that says 'well according to her pictures on face.book. she is kinda on the FAT side'.
Now before I even tell you how that stung and the reason it stung is maybe because it's true and all that stuff, I will just say that I read that email close to a thousand times. How would I even respond to that? How do you deal with your friend's friend who thinks you're fat?
First, I responded to all, and said NICE, VERY NICE.... then I got mad. Then I told my friend to not even be concerned about me joining her at the timeshare, because frankly my idea of a relaxing vacation does not include some guy I don't even know giving me the side eye because I want to put a tank top on. Honestly, I'll pass on someone who would actually say that's hospitality.
The word FAT bothers me. I know I'm plus sized, LARGE, thick, hell... even overweight. But I have NEVER referred to myself as fat, even if others have thought so. I've seen photos of myself, both good and bad, and thought 'damn, I look puffy in that picture' or 'triple damn, I need to get rid of that shirt' or 'good LORD, they will be returning me to the wild very soon!'.. never once have I said 'I look fat in that picture'.
I'm not in denial about the fat that I have on my body. Not in denial about how MUCH fat there is on my body, especially my ass. I went over and over it in my head, you are fat, you are fat, you are fat, others see you are fat, others say (obviously in writing) that you are fat. Damn.
If it was a false statement, would I be hurt by some man I don't even know judging me? If it wasn't true, why would I give a shit?
These thoughts are running through my mind.....
To be continued....